One in Heaven

” Do you have palm trees in your backyard, Rossana?”  The surgeon asked me. I was lying in the operating room, naked except for the thin blue hospital gown.

I answered with my eyes closed  , ” No”.

I was tired. My body was starting to feel numb and  my heart was heavy. Then the surgeon, the anesthetist and some nurses started talking about palm trees and cool breeze, as if they intended to take my subconscious there . But amidst my sedation , I can sense they were busy, rummaging here and there all around me, moving back and forth.They were to take the remains of my miscarriage away. That little budding figure I nurtured inside my womb for almost three months, they were taking it out of me now. And during this first few minutes of sedation, I forgot the pain in my heart and all I could see were palm trees. Slowly I was drifting…drifting..drifting away.

That was the only thing I remembered before   my D and C procedure. And when I woke up from the surgery, I felt the pain again, only this time I was more empty.

Well, I was not the first one in the universe to have a miscarriage. And if you happen to be here because you are going through or have gone through this, my heart goes out to you.  Perhaps, no one can really judge the pain. Some days you will think you lost a child, while people will shrug and say it is barely a piece of blood. And some days, you think they are right. But whatever it is, no one can judge the pain of a miscarriage no matter how far along in the pregnancy you are.

But there were lots of love going around. From my husband standing by my side,  and my family who never stop looking after my daughter. I am beyond thankful.

There may be  lots of emotions to talk about. There are lots of questions and regrets. But whatever they are and how much, I am setting  them aside. I still have my daughter. And whatever it is I am going through,
It is my responsibility to show her that this world is a happy place and that this life is full of potential and hope.

I am a mother.

to one on earth.

and to one in heaven.

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