Hello guys! I really have not been planning to post something new here these past days, errr weeks. I mean, with all the uncertainties going on, and with everything seeming out of normal, (not to mention, my preggy vomiting self), I don’t have the energy to put something out.
But today, my laptop is open conveniently in front of me, and I thought, I might as well write. But the thing is, as soon as I wrote the title, tears welled up in my eyes and my heart grew heavy. Jeez, not a good time to be pregnant. The hormones, the never-ending nausea, and all that’s going on. Not the best combination.
How have you all been? In secret, I am feeling guilty for favoring all this staying home. I love being indoors and not having to go somewhere. I love that I don’t have to bring my girl to school while battling this severe nausea every single day.
But If I dig deep, like now, I scratch into layers and layers of sadness. And I feel guilty for being sad. For being afraid. Because there are people out there in far more uncertain situations and definitely doing far more critical jobs.
I don’t feel in any way deserving of any consolation, but now more than ever, I feel lost. Lost somewhere between my dreams for the blog and motherhood. Between the drive and the settling down. Between setting goals and letting go. And because we are all in a time where everything seems to be on hold, and the future is not known, I do not know what to allow myself to feel anymore.
Yesterday when I read the Bible ( for the first time in months), God had something for me. In the Scripture, the message relays to me as ” God has known me ever since I was being made in secret. He knows all my thoughts even before I think of them. He knows every fiber of my being. He knows me. He knows what I am capable of.”
Words can be like a sudden magical hug. And maybe what I am feeling is valid. My fears, my sadness, I don’t have to feel guilty for them. So now I ask, how are you? Whatever you are feeling right now, it is valid. You may not be in the front lines. You may not be the ones doing the fight. But wherever you are, you are validated to feel what you feel. You are allowed to be in your own battle and to stand strong against them.
What is your battle? Losing a job? Bored at home? Struggling with your kids? Feel. It is okay. Pick up little pieces of joy every day. No matter how small. It is what I do. Most importantly, try to be your best self every day but remember, it is okay if you don’t. These times, kindness is essential even to yourself.
Take care, my friends. We will get through this.